Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole…

A paleontologist would be happy with this find!

Anyone under the age of 50 probably wouldn’t know the name of the person who sang the song ‘Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot’ however, I am more than sure that you would know the song itself (it was always played at Aunties and Uncles birthday parties/ weddings in the 80’s early 90’s and everyone would start dancing around like Cubans and pretending they had maracas? No? Just my family then.) Well today, according to my thermometer the mercury hit 101 degrees and May is supposed to be the hottest month in Mumbai by far, so it’s just going to get higher and higher! I am tremendously concerned as my air-conditioners are extremely old and should have gone out with the cassette tape, and I don’t think sticking my head in the freezer every 15 minutes is an acceptable solution- bad times!! Only good thing is, that I’m sweating so much I must have already lost half a stone in weight- good times!

(FYI the person who sang ‘Hot, Hot, Hot’ was a man called Buster Poindexter, I googled it as I am unemployed and was feeling hot… hot, hot)

Actions Speak Louder Than Words!

What I have been showering in for the last
5 days!

Yesterday was every inch as difficult as I imagined it to be. After 20 minutes of ‘It is only a little bit yellow madame’ from Praveen, I took matters into my own hands and filled up a bucket with the contaminated tap water, (I did this so the concentration would be stronger, therefore the yellow/orange colour would be more obvious- a tip I picked up from an episode of CSI ) and stuck his head in it!... I didn’t really, but I wanted to! Within minutes of showing him my cast iron evidence the apologies started to flow and the water tank from which the water originates was emptied. Now when I come out of the shower I smell clean rather than of *!!@/$ ? rust. Result!

And The Most Annoying Conversation Of The Week Award Goes To…

McDonalds McDelivery…

Me: Hi, can I have a Chicken McSpicy meal please?

McDonalds man: No, sorry, we do not sell Chicken McSpicy.

Me: Are you sure? I’ve just seen an advert? A Chicken McSpiiiicy!

McDonalds man: No, sorry no Chicken McSpicy. Maharaja Mac?

Me: No Thank you. Are you 100% sure? I had one the other day? Chicken McSpicy

McDonalds man: No, we only have McSpicy Chicken.

Me: I’m hanging up now.

The McSpicy Chicken, not to be mistaken for a Chicken McSpicy

What Would Mr Patel Say?

Needless to say that 
Mr Patel's  was closed yesterday

Yesterday was what the Indian’s call a ‘Dry Day’, which means it is illegal for alcohol to be sold to the general public in shops and bars. Surely that’s a violation of human rights?

The End of This Story is Like a Coldplay Song

No I didn't wee in a glass! It is our tap water
on the left compared to bottled water on the right- nice!

Probably the most time consuming thing I have had to do in India so far, is to try and explain to somebody who probably has to share an outside toilet, that doesn’t even have a flush, that our plumbing is inappropriate and needs fixing. For obvious reasons if you are an expat living in India and your toilet is broken you are screwed, so when I discovered we had this problem I was somewhat distressed. In the morning, I walked into the bathroom to see that the toilet was leaking from the cistern (the top bit of the toilet, for those of you lesser versed in the art of plumbing) all over the floor, I then embarrassingly realised that the flush wasn’t working. Dismayed, I dragged Praveen, our housekeeper into the bathroom and showed him the leakage; he didn’t seem fazed at all ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked in broken English ‘Its only little bit leaking’. Slightly surprised at his lack of sympathy, I continued to show him that the flush wasn’t working, in the hope that he would realise that there actually was a problem. ‘It take 15 minutes for tank to fill, then it will work,’ he replied in a tone which suggested that this was perfectly acceptable. ‘It needs to be fixed properly! No leaking!’ I answered; with the state of our bowls in India we cannot be waiting 15 minutes between flushes, we needed a plumber and we needed one ASAP.

I’m Turning Up the Air- Con!

My electricity bill for March has just come through and I’m not gona lie it came as a bit of a shock! The grand total of the bill was… Wait for it… You'll never believe it... 149 Rupees! As in around £1.70…for a whole month of actual electricity! OMG!

British Gas, E-On, N Power and all the other electricity companies in the UK you should be ashamed of yourselves!!

Of course it is!

Easy mistake to make

Yesterday I bought a beautiful bunch of twigs for the corner of the living room as I felt it 'needed something'. The following day I went in to my kitchen to find the cleaner wiping it across the floor! ‘What are you doing??” I bellowed!! Turns out it’s an Indian broom, not a decorative home accessory- my bad.  

This Sounds Like Something Out of a Mills&Boon Book!

Security first, respect for personal space second

Is it physically possible to smuggle drugs and other illegal objects underneath your skin? Well the Security Woman at the Oberoi Sandwich Shop certainly seems to think so!

Security in Mumbai is of the upmost importance and rightly so. When entering any restaurant, hotel or shop you are likely to be frisked, have your bags checked and go through some sort of detector, but when you’re wearing a tight skirt with your legs on show and a tight top with your arms on show, I think it’s clear to see you have nothing to hide.  As I put my bag through the X- ray machine a very petite, very unthreatening looking Security Lady took me behind the partition and started frisking me with a large electrical paddle. Normally it’s just a quick pat on your belt and near your pockets and away you go, but today was different; she slowly moved the paddle up and down both of my naked legs, all around my back, under my hair, down each arm, over my chest and around my middle. I’m not going to lie, I felt slightly abused, Paul even popped his head round to see what was taking so long, she quickly finished. The only conclusions I could come up with for this unusual behavior was A) I looked really dodgy B) She was very serious about her job and wanted to be thorough C) She was Lesbian.  I’m going with C.

For cheap thrills and delicious sandwiches visit the Oberoi Sandwich Shop- Oberoi Hotel, Sir Dorab Tata Rd , Nariman Point, Mumbai,  022 6632 5757

Controversial yet Educational…

A door with 'that sign' over it

I don’t want to offend my Grandads or anything but when I first arrived in India I couldn’t help but notice the Swastika sign almost everywhere I went. I chose to ignore it until a few weeks ago when I went with Paul’s boss to go and collect her new car. Collecting a car in India is a big deal, the Honda Civic came out decorated with a flower necklace and Tulika was required to smash a coconut in front of it. She then got some powdered red paint and drew the Swastika on to the engine of the car. This was the final straw, ‘Tulika! ‘I said. 'Why have you just drew the Nazi sign on your car, I think it’s inappropriate, my Grandparents were in the war!’ Amused, she explained to me that the Germans had taken this sign, altered it and changed its meaning. It is actually a Hindu religious sign which means good luck! Feeling slightly more educated than I did a few moments earlier, I enjoyed the journey back with new found cultural awareness and the smell of new car in my nostrils. 

Blessing the car

The cars pretty necklace made of flowers 

Welcome Dotty

Where the magic happens

It turns out that it is very difficult to arrange a Master Chef style cook off in Mumbai, in fact it has been very hard to locate a cook in Mumbai full stop. But luckily for us we stumbled across, errrrr, I’ll call her Doris (as her name is very Indian and long and i'm still learning it and theres no way on earth I can spell it!) Doris has now been with us two days and has been cooking up a storm in the kitchen, her culinary skills are second to none! So far we have had a chicken curry thing and a chicken pasta thing, it may not sound like much but they were both amazing! Tonight we are having a fish thing! Welcome to the fold Doris!

I never liked Anna Ryder Richardson

This is only on here because I think I look nice

When I was younger I always wanted to be on Changing Rooms (well that was until Lucy Lawlor told me in GCSE French that her friends, brothers, teachers, cousins, auntie, doctors, wife's, best friend had been on it and the MDF wardrobe Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen had made broke, fell on their cat and killed it.)

My favorite part of the show was the before and afters at the end, I reckon if it was on TV now, I would sky plus it and just watch that bit.

Anyways, from all the knowledge I have gathered from TV shows of that ilk over the years, I have been engaging in a bit of interior design myself and would like to show you some before and afters of our new abode… Do hope you like…..

Living room before

Living room before 

Living room after

Living room after

Bedroom before

Bedroom before

Bedroom after

Bedroom after

Bedroom after

Need...Air....

All those years of passive smoking in the UK have not been in vain. Today the smog is very bad and I know if I had virgin lungs they would struggle to cope. I can’t even see the end of the bay from the roof terrace! But what do you expect from a city of 22 million people (the same population as the WHOLE of Australia I’ll have you know!) and one of the fastest emerging economies in the world? Those face masks that Chinese people wear to protect themselves from Sars are looking very appealing.

Smog view from terrace

Normal view from terrace

"We'll fight them on the beaches..."

Paul is also scared of spiders and ladybirds

I fear this story maybe one of those where ‘You had to be there’ as Paul’s response to my action packed, face to face rendition was a less than enthusiastic ‘Good for you’. But I’ll go with it….

It was my first official outing with our new driver Ramesh. First stop was Good Earth in Colaba, I’ve been dying to buy a cushion they have with a picture of a Indian woman’s face on it, but Paul hasn’t let me because he said her face was too scary and it would give him nightmares (that will teach you to not like my stories Hanley!) Cushion purchased, the next mission of the evening was to find a car parking space and at 6.15pm on a weekday it wasn’t going to be easy. 

After waiting patiently for 30 minutes listening to Britney Spears’s Greatest Hits, a space became available. As traffic was trying to enter the Cricket Club, which is located at the end of the road, we had been required to shift and change our position a few times so we weren’t in the most ideal spot, in fact our unfortunate spot required Ramesh to conduct the most important 3 point turn of his career to date, one that involved avoiding a postal truck, a motor bike, a 4x4, a Suzuki Swift and reversing into the space! It looked impossible and time was running out, if we didn’t hurry someone else was going to park there, I couldn’t live with that, so I got out (as the car was moving because I felt it created more drama) and shouted ‘I’ll reserve the space Ramesh!’ I ran over and stood in the middle of it, declaring it was ours, but as I arrived a sneaky blue car started to pull in to MY space. I stood my ground and said very politely (the way English people do) ‘I am terribly sorry but we have been waiting a very long time, this is ours’. To this the man grunted, tried to run me over and managed to gain half of the space! This got me mad, very mad, it had been a long wait and granted my car wasn’t there yet but I was there first!  ‘Excuse me’ I said loudly ‘This is my space, move!’ He just ignored me! It was like I was Israel and he was Palestine, both at logger heads!

El-e-va-tion Wooooo Ouuuuu

He must get bored, bless

In India , standing in a lift all-day and pressing the buttons is a job and this job is called ‘A Lift Man’. When I first arrived here, I couldn’t believe that this was an actual career option, but now, two months in, I’m not sure how I will be able to integrate back into a world where there is no Lift Man?

I found myself alone, standing in a lift for around ten minutes the other day, wondering why nothing was happening. The reason nothing was happening was because I had forgotten to press the button as I was so used to someone doing it for me! Another time, I went from the ground floor, up to the 20^th floor, back down to the ground floor and back up again thinking ‘Wow this journey to the 5^th floor is taking a long time’ the truth is I hadn’t pressed my floor, again! Yesterday, I trapped my hand in our apartments 1920 ’s style life as the nice lift man (not the kitten killing, cat strangling, Holi ruiner lift man) wasn’t there to slide it open for me! The list goes on and on! Life without a Lift Man is hard and full of perils and I feel India and I are very lucky to have them in our lives! Lift Men everywhere, I dedicate this to you:

Ramesh- You're Hired!

Me, taking my duties very seriously!

I would like you to join me in congratulating our new driver Ramesh!
After a shaky start Ramesh was triumphant! He beeped his horn only 4 times within an hour and a half, knew Mumbai like the back of his hand, held the door open on numerous occasions; not only for me but for Paul also, called me 'Maaaam' and Paul 'Siiirrrr', spoke a little English, conducted the best 3 point turn I have ever seen in my life, (the manoeuvring of the car throughout the busy traffic was like a scene out of the Matrix-) and he had a moustache (that wasn’t even in the criteria, that was just a bonus) impressive, Ramesh, very impressive!

Commiserations to Suresh who dictated how much bonus payment he wanted as soon as he got into the car and didn’t have a moustache.

The dissapointing Suresh

The victorious Ramesh

Hula Hoops and Holi

I don’t know why but the word 'Holi' reminds me of Hula Hoops and ever since hearing the word 'Holi' I haven’t stopped craving the God dam things. I have scoured the street sheds or shops as they are more commonly known for a bag but to no avail. I’m not asking for the BBQ Beef or Cheese and Onion flavour just the original, ready salted, red bagged variety! Any help in locating a packet would be greatly appreciated.

Anyway, there is more to this post than my need for a potato based snack, this post is about our first Holi (Hula Hoops, Hula Hoops- stop it!!) in India. For those of you who don’t know, Holi has an ancient origin and celebrates the triumph of 'good' over 'bad'. On this day, people hug, wish each other 'Happy Holi’, get intoxicated and cover each other with beautiful colours.

Our Holi day was spent with friends and the battle the celebrations took place on our roof terrace. The first duty of the day was to prepare the Bhang. Bhang is basically a Marijuana based drink or bite which is supposed to

make you high so you enjoy the Holi Festival in the traditional way. I know what your thinking ‘Sophie, Marijuana – You’ve changed’ But who can argue with tradition? Holi without Bhang is like Christmas without Jesus, would you take Jesus out of Christmas?? Would you??

Bhang tastes like a mixture between grass and dirt which was actually quite nice, I had about 3 glasses, but it didn’t really effect me because I’m hardcore (not a hardcore drug addict, just hardcore in general)

Pandas Eat It

I hope he's wearing a hard hat....

I know! Men painting a building in Mumbai! Brilliant! But no, this is not the reason I took this photo, I took this photo because the scaffolding they are standing on is made of bamboo and secured together with string! Yes bamfrickingboo and string!! I first thought maybe this was an isolated incident, but its not, ironically the Sophia Hospital in Mumbai which is currently being refurbished, is covered in the stuff so its either bloody strong or the men like hospital food. I’ve done a bit of research (well asked Akbar) and appaza they’ve been using bamboo scaffolding for hundreds of years in India, Japan and China and it’s just as strong as steel or aluminium? I’m not quite sure if I believe that as Pandas eat it but if it is true, you learn something new everyday!

.... and steel toe cap boots!

Cat got your tongue??

I couldn't find a picture of cat being strangled

Yesterday I was sitting at the computer, updating my blog in fact, when I heard a terrible sound; it was like a cat was being strangled! Because I’m nosey  As a concerned resident, I went outside to see what all the commotion was about and you’ll never guess what… a cat was actually being strangled! I’m not sure what our place has against cats but I didn’t know what to do first? Do I grab my camera and take a photo for my blog evidence? Or help the poor thing? The blood of another feline on my hands was not an option! I shouted ‘OI’ at the top of my lungs! Clearly shocked at my head mistress like confidence the men dropped the cat and it darted to safety. Feeling remarkably pleased with myself I then took it one step further and shook my head and wagged my finger at them as if to say ‘I’m disappointed in you’. I felt it was necessary. Mother Teresa status reinstated I went back into the house and continued to write ‘Ask Akbar’. Its Saint Sophie from now on guys.

Ask Akbar

Quick game: Where's Akbar? (he is actually in this picture)

On Saturday we moved into our new place, which was actually really easy as we had approximately 568 people helping us.  We hired one of those mini van things which managed to fit in all of our baggage, plus 3 little men we stole from outside the hotel to help us perfectly! We managed to get the mini van and 568 helpers by asking Akbar. No, not an Indian version of the search engine ‘Ask Jeeves’ but a real life man who you can ask anything of and he will know the answer. It’s like magic! E.g. 'Akbarrrrrrr??? Where do I get a driver from?' – poof  (visiualise the cloud of smoke) - choice of three, 'Akbar?? Where can I buy a trunk for the top of my cupboard from?' – poof- an address and contact, 'Akbar I need Bollywood Dancing lessons!' – poof- 'My sons a teacher, he’ll be over next week', 'Akbar! I cant find tampons in India anywhere????'-poof- he transferred me to his wife, but you get the idea! And this isn’t even Akbars day job, oh no, hes actually a cool cab driver (not as in a cool dude cab driver, as in his cab has air conditioning) who can be found outside the Vivanta Taj President hotel most days. All I can say is Thank all the Gods (there’s loads in India ) for our new best friend Ask Akbar, ou, I mean Akbar.

Wheres Dad when you need him….

We have just purchased a beautiful giant mirror and crystal chandelier from an amazing Antique shop in Colaba which needs wiring up. Normally I could rely on Dave Goddard, father and electrician extraordinaire, for all my electrical needs but as he is living in the UK I need to look elsewhere.  As I couldn’t locate a Yellow Pages (do they still exist?) I took to the streets (well, our hotel front desk) and asked if they could recommend an electrician, “There’s a man next to the florist opposite the hotel” the guy said. “Ok” I replied, and walked merrily across the road. This is what I found….

Notice the massive underpants on the washing line in the background!

Needless to say the search continues!