Thursday, December 29, 2011

Warning!! Contains graphic animal cruelty – but it is quite funny…

Vincent Van Gogh ain't got nothing on me!
After living in Mumbai for a period of six months I was kind of used to seeing people with the odd arm missing, maybe half a leg, one eye sewn up here and there but nothing had prepared me for what I saw whilst walking past bulimia Bademiya (Mumbai’s premier street-food kebab stall- (think British car boot chuckie wagon, the dodgy one that you know is going to give you the ecoli virus!!!)) late last night…. A DOG WITH NO LIMBS! For those of you that don’t understand English, blinked whilst reading or didn’t quite comprehend it the first time… I said: I saw a dog with absolutely no limbs whatsoever, as in a dog’s body, a head and a kind of tail…that’s it!  My first thought was ‘What kind of sick b@st@rd did this to a fellow creature of God?’ However that feeling soon past when I saw some foreign travelers attempting to feed the poor freak of nature animal. They were purposely placing the food a few feet in front of it, forcing it to wriggle on its stumps for the ultimate prize of a half chewed chicken kebab! I know I should have said something, it wasn’t right, it wasn’t big and it certainly wasn’t clever but everyone around was in hysterics… the laughter was contagious, because let’s face it - a dog with no limbs, wriggling on its belly to get a bit of rancid kebab is absolutely hilarious in any language… isn’t it? (Awkward silence)... No?... Don’t judge me.
Unfortunately (if you are a bit of sadist like me) or fortunately (if you are member of PETA) I didn’t have my camera on me (for the first frickin ever! grrr!) so until I track the creature down (and believe me I will try), please see my detailed diagram of said incident above and forgive me.... please?

Door Number Three Please Bob…

Who lives in a house like this?? 
As the lady of the manor (that’s me by the way) wouldn’t be living in Mumbai anymore it meant that Paul was demanded required to downsize. The sad thing about this was that we had to say goodbye to our faithful slave, servant, helper Praveen; but have no fear Pauls new place came with a new helper ….Bhaskar. Bhaskar (or Bilbo Baggins as I prefer to call him) is a perfect cross between a Hobbit (think Lord of the Rings) and the little mice from the Disney classic Cinderella. A Hobbit because he lives behind a door that only a Hobbit/ Borrower could enter without bumping its head and the mice from Cinderella because he comes into Pauls house and tidies up all of his crap whilst singing cheerful melodies. Also his name is Bhaskar which I’m sure is a Hobbit’s name.

'Ohhh We're Going to Ibiza'

I’ll forgive you for thinking that this is an old holiday snap of me at a trendy beach bar in San Antonio, Ibiza, but it is not! This is a new beach café, aptly named ‘Café on the Beach’, located on Chowpatty-bloody-beach, Mumbai and I'll have you know it's awesome! The speakers were playing chilled out funky house, the food on offer consisted of tasty sandwiches, wraps and salads and with the cosy cabanas I honestly felt like I was on my summer holidays...until I asked for their wine menu. ''Sorry Maam, we do not sell alcohol''… They always have to ruin it don’t they?

Ramesh Schumacher!

Ramesh( I know awful shirt!)
When my Kingfisher flight landed with an ear deafening screech, narrowingly missing the slum situated on the runway, my first thought was ‘Here we go again’ and dreaded the next 2 hours (which is normally the amount of time it takes to exit Mumbai airport.) I pushed myself to the front of the aeroplane and was first off so rushed to immigration. Now videsigirlinmumbai followers will know that me and Indian immigration are not the best of friends and I have had issues in the past, but to my surprise with a smile (yes a smile) and a stamp, I was at the luggage carousel within a short 5 minutes, and only two power outages later I was walking away with my luggage, I was then ushered past the hour long scanning machine queue straight outside where Ramesh and of course Mr Hanley were waiting to take me home. Before I could give Paul a Yuletide embrace, Ramesh (whose once immaculately maintained moustache had now morphed into a scruffy goatee in style of George Michael circa 1990, Freedom) grabbed my hand and shook it so hard I thought it was going to drop off! ‘Merry Christmas maaam, I have missed you’ Arrrrr I thought, I’d bloody missed Ramesh too. ‘’I missed you too Ramesh Ji’’ I replied. His little rat like features lit up as he pulled my suitcase (which was roughly the size of him) to the car.

Honey... I'm Home!

Call off the search party, bring back the Coast Guard, inform Scotland Yard that the prodigal son daughter has returned…. For now! My loyal followers may have noticed that I haven’t blogged for a good six months, reason being I have actually been having a life in no other than the city of clean…Singapore!!! After my 10-day silent nightmare meditation course I realised that Mumbai was not the place for a high heel wearing, short skirt loving, extravert like myself and managed to convince le husband (in my own way) to move back to Singapore.  As he had notice to serve it was decided that I would head over first, get a job and set up our new life and he would join a few weeks later.  After a few days at a friends house I checked in at the Marina Bay Sands Hotel. Whilst I was checking in the over friendly receptionist commented on how skinny I was, extremely flattered I replied ‘’Thank you, but I suppose that’s what you get when you live in Mumbai for a year’’ (obviously over exaggerating my 6 months so it sounded better) a look of shock (I presume over the fact I had been living in India, not my protruding bones) came over the woman’s face. After a few clicks she smiled at me and said ‘’Enjoy your stay, I have arranged an upgrade for you’’ Pleased as punch I made my way up to my……pimping suite!