Thursday, December 29, 2011

Ramesh Schumacher!

Ramesh( I know awful shirt!)
When my Kingfisher flight landed with an ear deafening screech, narrowingly missing the slum situated on the runway, my first thought was ‘Here we go again’ and dreaded the next 2 hours (which is normally the amount of time it takes to exit Mumbai airport.) I pushed myself to the front of the aeroplane and was first off so rushed to immigration. Now videsigirlinmumbai followers will know that me and Indian immigration are not the best of friends and I have had issues in the past, but to my surprise with a smile (yes a smile) and a stamp, I was at the luggage carousel within a short 5 minutes, and only two power outages later I was walking away with my luggage, I was then ushered past the hour long scanning machine queue straight outside where Ramesh and of course Mr Hanley were waiting to take me home. Before I could give Paul a Yuletide embrace, Ramesh (whose once immaculately maintained moustache had now morphed into a scruffy goatee in style of George Michael circa 1990, Freedom) grabbed my hand and shook it so hard I thought it was going to drop off! ‘Merry Christmas maaam, I have missed you’ Arrrrr I thought, I’d bloody missed Ramesh too. ‘’I missed you too Ramesh Ji’’ I replied. His little rat like features lit up as he pulled my suitcase (which was roughly the size of him) to the car.
Ramesh was in high spirits on the way home and ran over at least 3 dogs and a beggar child (joke about the beggar child, shame about the dogs). As he swerved in and out of the black and yellow taxis, around the colourful water trucks and on to the Sea Link where we hit 100 miles per hour. As I was holding on for dear life I saw a sign saying ‘Speed thrills, but it doesn’t if you are dead’ which I thought made perfect sense but was still extremely stupid.
Paul, clearly aroused by the speed shouted ‘That’s it Ramesh Schumacher, chalo, jaldi chalo!!’ Although impressed with Pauls new found lingusitics I gave him the eye that said ‘Stop being gay and get him to slow down’…
After my face had readjusted from the G-Force it had just experienced Paul was ready to show me what English vocabulary he had been teaching our dear Ramesh. On que a man stepped out in front of the car. ‘Ramesh, what is this man?’ Paul gushed. ‘’PRICK MAN Sir’’ Ramesh replied.
I would love to say that I thought this was highly immature and wasn’t impressed in the slightest, but I was! It was hilarious! ''What else, what else???'' I demanded.
''Ramesh, what is this man?'' Paul pointed to a man who had decided to stop his taxi in the middle of the dual carriage way so he could take a piss. ‘CUNT Sir!’
...Too far Paul, too far!

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