If you are eating do not read this post, if you are not eating, read away, you might learn something…

I wonder who would win in a fight, the hose or the toilet
paper? Hmmmm

We’ve all been in the situation when we are home alone, nature calls and DOH! There’s no toilet paper left. We frantically scan the room looking for alternative methods but we all know the cotton wool won’t do the trick and we won’t be able to look our partner/ parents/ ourselves (whoever we live with) in the eye again if we use a towel, so as a last resort we might jump into shower and let the warm water wash the nightmare away.

Now Indian’s wouldn’t be faced with such a dilemma because the majority uses our last resort as their standard toilet practice. Correct, they wipe their backside after going number one or two, using water and their left hand; this is why in most Indian bathrooms you’ll find a little hose where the Andrex should be. And before you shout ‘GROOOOSSSSS’ and throw up a little in your mouth, they do wash their hands after and it’s a cultural thing, as they believe this way is more hygienic than using toilet paper alone. 

I Know Where I’ll Be Going For My Next Weigh In…

I don't know why he looks so

 miserable. Its a fantastic idea!

In the UK if we need to find out our weight we either; step onto the set of scales stored in the bathroom or for a more accurate reading we’ll pop to Boots or Superdrug and use one of those fancy shmancy machines that also measures your height and BMI, and its pretty similar in Mumbai too except you don’t have to go into a shop, ohhh no, you can do it in the street! Yes, the man in the picture to the left sits on the side of the road on a daily basis charging 5-10 rupees (depending on the colour of your skin and probably how heavy you are) for people to weigh themselves on his industrial size weighing scales! Not only genius but highly convenient I think you will agree!

Week 1 Mumbaikins Diet

Previous Weight: 8 stone/ 52kg/ approx 57 chickens
Current Weight: 8 stone/ 52kg/ approx 57 chickens

Weight loss: Zilch!!

Shots of tap water: Accidently opened my mouth in the shower! Doh! 

Comments: Errrrm maybe I should do this update monthly?

The Only Thing I Didn’t Pack…

I think they call it beju

So as explained on Friday, Paul’s apartment does have weighing scales but it is lacking in other areas. Whilst in the Kitchen making myself the delectable Indian delicacy Beans on Toast (ok not Indian, but a delicacy none the less) I noticed there was something missing… I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until I came to put my washing up in the sink, and then it hit me... there was no sink??? Paul’s kitchen has no sink? How can there be no kitchen sink? I quickly emailed Paul reminding him of the fact he had no sink, his reply? ‘Use the bathroom’ my reply, ‘WTF’!

Great Need For Earplugs

Moscow State Circus watch out!

Who needs an alarm clock when you live in Mumbai hey? I’ve been here less than a week and have been woken up each morning with a variety of ear deafening sounds:

Wednesday – A pig being slaughtered or a child, I don’t know which, it was just loud and squeal like.

Thursday- Honking.

Friday- A shed load of crows trying to eat a dead dog.

Saturday– An old man singing (I gave him 10 rupees to shut the hell up- I had a hangover!!)

Sunday- A woman banging the top of a dustbin with a wooden spoon in a bid to round up attention so people would watch her 2 year old son tight rope walk on a piece of bamboo which was elevated 8 feet in the air.
So next time your alarm clock goes off show it some gratitude will you...    

The Mumbaikins Diet!

I think this image sums up this post perfectly!

The best thing about Pauls new rabbit hutch  apartment is that it has a set of weighing scales, so in celebration of this fact I am embarking upon the 'Mumbaikins Diet'! 
Not to be mistaken with the Atkins Diet, the 'Mumbaikins Diet' is more effective than laxatives and gastric band surgery (I have no medical evidence to support this) and you can eat whatever the hell you want! McDonalds? (if you have the patience)? Sure! Pasta? Have seconds! Cake? Treat yourself! 

To speed up the weight loss process a shot of tap water can be added to your daily intake of ‘whatever the hell you want’. The only downside condition of the 'Mumbaikins Diet' is that you have to stay in India for at least one week and not mind spending hours of your day on the toilet.  

So sit back, relax and join me on my journey of self destruction discovery…. as I begin the 'Mumbaikins Diet'…… (I think I'm gona trade mark that name - its catchy!)

I’m Smiling….On The Inside

Who would have thought it! This time last year I was on a flight from Singapore to start my new life in India and guess what??? Twelve months later I am doing exactly the same thing!  Yes! I am returning to a City which was voted one of the worst places to live in the World….Mumbai (their words not mine, NOT MINE: http://articles.economictimes.indiatimes.com/2011-08-30/news/29945063_1_global-cities-jon-copestake-worst-places  )

This time around I feel I am mentally prepared for my Mumbai adventure and have decided to replace moaning with exercise, crying with shopping and attempting to kill myself with the 3rd season of Glee.

I’ve also developed a list of pros and cons to help with the integration:

The Pros: A can of diet coke is 20 rupees, (25p) a packet of Lays (Walkers to you and I) is 10 rupees (12p) and a single Mento is 1 rupee (1ishp) - How fantastic is that?? Definately worth moving back for in my new positive opinion.

The Cons: Errrrrm, must,  not, moa.....I’m going to exercise.