Brown Girl In The Ring Tralalalala

I don't look particularly tanned on this picture
 but I think my husband looks fit.

The look on the shop assistants face when I asked for something to make my skin look darker will haunt me for the rest of my life! The word ‘fake-tan’ was getting me no where, so I used the words ‘brown’ and ‘darker’ whilst rubbing my arm to imitate the rubbing in of fake-tan lotion but still nothing. Eventually I said ‘I have white skin, I want darker skin’ and pointed at her skin. ‘You want your skin browner?’ She questioned as if Id just asked for 10 kg’s of crack. Bingo! But I knew I was asking in vain.  The fact is my must have item and the majority of girls in the UK’s must have item is not avaliable in Asia as they are obsessed with being fairer. Despite the endless warnings adverts featuring Priyanka Chopra and Katrina Kaif on the subject, when I first arrived in India I bought myself a ‘light moisturiser’ thinking it was a ‘light weight‘ moisturizer, perfect for the humidity I thought. I used it for a whole month so when I found out that this crème was actually lightening my skin I cried! I live in a hot country, it is my duty to my friends back at home to be tanned and this had put me back a whole month in the tanning process! You see in England the Sun doesn’t come out very often and when it does happen to peep out behind a big fat raincloud that’s it, the flip flops are on, the T shirts are off and the bbq is fired up, in India however everyones favorite time of year is the monsoon and I haven’t seen one other person sunbathing at our pool, it just doesn't seem fair. But don't worry fellow Britons, I appreciate the weather I have here in India and am working hard to achieve a natural tan for my forthcoming trip to the UK. I will make you proud!

Your Job Is Safe Banksy!

I know its for a good reason
but I'm glad I don't live next door!

To the untrained, not lived in India before eye this photo may look like a terribly graffitied apartment in style of a council estate in the UK, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The owner of this home actually drew red swatiskas all over the top quality marble that adorns the front of his house of his own accord. Now that I am more accustomed to Indian culture I know that my new neighbours are not Neo- Nazis and that the swastikas were placed as part of a traditional Hindu house blessing which is conducted by a priest before the owners move in. The ceremonies vary from place to place but apparently in some parts of the country the blessing comprises of chanting and the escorting of a cow through all of the rooms, although, I don’t think that happened here as a cow would never fit in the lift and if it did happen I’m gutted I missed it!!

A Wednesday Afternoon Game For You....

Who's feet are who's?????

The more you look, the more it freaks you out!

Woe Is Me!

Who am I gona pout and wear short skirts with??
I'll miss you babe x

No girl likes their ‘time of the month’ but having your ‘time of the month’ in India really takes the biscuit! First of all getting hold of tampons is as difficult as getting hold of magic beans and everything that kind of pissed you off last week really pisses you off this week; such as the leaking tile (yes tile) in the bathroom, the beggar near Good Earth in Colaba who insists on rubbing his arm stump up and down the window leaving greasy stump marks, the randy pigeons at the pool, (maybe I’m just jealous because they can enjoy the refreshing water and I can't because I can't get hold of any magic beans!), the slum parties that start at 10.00pm sharp just in time for bedtime, Ramesh’s peach shirt, the list is endless. But just to put the icing on the big fat cake (that I just ate because i'm bingeing) my best friend in India, Celine has just left to go back to Singapore!! Waahhhhhh, I need a cuddle.

I’m So Over This Crap (with a bit extra added since yesterday)

I have no photos of the party, so heres me drinking
champagne in Singapore

So it was the evening of our long awaited roof top, house warming party. The booze had been delivered, the music had been set up and the guests were starting to arrive. Within minus one second of pressing the play button security arrived saying we could not have a party (surprise, sur-bloody-prise) but we’re professionals at this game now, so 500 rupees and two bottles of Kingfisher later, problem averted and we started to party the night away. Feeling extremely smug that we had conquered this India malarkey Paul and I gave each other a secret high five, cranked up the base and started the shots (shots, shots, shots). It was the party of all parties; amazing view, great music and more alcohol than you could shake a stick at, things were going perfectly until 12.30pm….

Read Into This Advertisement What You Will #2

Her face says it all (luckily we can't see his pants!)

Because the original wasn't suggestive enough: Read Into This Advertisement What You Will #1 

And The Award For The Most Appropriately Named Road In India Goes To....

And just whilst we are on the subject, did you know if you ask for a Poppadom in India they do not have a scooby do what you are on about? Its true.