Glad to be Back? Well I was........

Me boating on the River Severn, UK
Look at that relaxed face

I am back from a 5 week holiday in the UK and was feeling happy, refreshed and ready to take on the daily pressures of India once again...Well, that was until I asked Sunita our maid who speaks fluent English, to go out and get us some toothpaste, you know standard, everyday toothpaste that you use to clean your teeth and prevent cavities? Nothing complicated about that, or so I thought.....

‘What type of Toothpaste would you like Maam?’ Sunita asked

‘Just standard, everyday toothpaste please, Colgate original mint in the red box is fine.’ I replied 

10 minutes later she was back, ‘Here you go Maam’ she said and handed me a red box.

‘Errrrrrrm, Sunita, sorry, this is herb flavor, I asked for mint?

‘ Sorry Maam I could not find, this is ok.’ She replied.

‘Well, (nervous laugh) actually Sunita this is not ok, I just want original mint, we don’t like this flavor can you go and change it please.’ I replied.

‘Ok maam’ she replied and left for the slum.

15 minutes later she was back ‘Here you go Maam’ and handed me another red box.

I looked at it, ‘Sunita, this is spicy flavor Colgate??’ I replied, shocked that she had got it wrong again.

‘Yes maam, very good for teeth’ she replied confidently.

‘But I just told you I only wanted mint flavour, standard, original, mint flavor? Can you swap this, any brand is ok as long as it is mint.’

‘Ok Maam!’ she replied and left the apartment in a huff.

20 minutes later Sunita returned ‘Maam I have this' and handed me yet another red box.

‘Sunita!!!! Are you serious???? This is Lemon flavor not mint??????’ I yelled, reaching the end of my tether.

‘Maam’ Sunita replied ‘India is very different to UK, we do not have mint toothpaste’

Taken a back at the bare faced lie I replied sternly, ‘You and I both know that is a big, fat lie Sunita, I have lived here for 12 months and have had many a packet of original mint Colgate!’

‘Maam! I do not lie’ Sunita snapped back, clearly very upset that I accused her of lying and walked away.

 Flabbergasted at what at just happened and how upset I was over a tube of toothpaste I sat down and poured myself a large glass of whisky (and by whisky I mean water) to calm my nerves.

Sunita went out, 10 minutes later she returned and put something on the dining room table and left for the day. As soon as the door closed I got up and went closer… it was yet another toothpaste box, I picked it up, it was…MINT Toothpaste and not just any mint toothpaste Colgate Whitening, I was elated and I felt a sense of victory. 'They don’t sell mint toothpaste in India!' Pah!

No words have been exchanged between myself and Sunita since and there won't be... until I ask her to go out and get me a light bulb tomorrow... should be interesting!

Saree Doesn't Rhyme With Anything! Fact!

When it comes to shopping for local merchandise in Mumbai I've come to find that the crappier the shopping centre looks from the outside the more likely you are to find a gem on the inside; which is why for my Saree shopping adventure I chose the almost derelict Maker Arcade which has served me well in the past as it is home to Mr Patel's Wine Shop and the chemist that cured my piles.  As I approached the arcade, as always the stares were intense especially from the men at the stationary shop, stand shed which always seems to be rammed with people buying HB pencils, who knew stationary would be so popular in Mumbai?  Theo Paphitis would make a fortune! But I digress. 
I made my way down the isles searching for a shop to purchase my first Indian outfit from and before long I see one. I walked in feeling nervously excited to find 10 men crammed into a area as big as tuk, tuk eating their lunch, 'Errrrrm hello' I said slowly yet clearly, 'Can I take a look at your Sarees please?' 'Eating later, later' One of the men said whilst spitting chapatti into my hair. To be honest I half expected them to see my white face and Louis Vuitton handbag, jump to their feet, discard their food and start wrapping me up with an array of different sarees if I liked it all not, but that wasn't the case so I carried on.  After being distracted by the stall that sold used flip flops I found another Saree shop and entered. It was quite lovely; floor to ceiling shelves full of sarees and a long desk for, well i'm not sure what it was for actually but it looked nice. As normal the shop was far too small for its 1000 staff but I didn't mind, in fact it was amusing to watch them shuffle every time I walked too close. 

Brown Girl In The Ring Tralalalala

I don't look particularly tanned on this picture
 but I think my husband looks fit.

The look on the shop assistants face when I asked for something to make my skin look darker will haunt me for the rest of my life! The word ‘fake-tan’ was getting me no where, so I used the words ‘brown’ and ‘darker’ whilst rubbing my arm to imitate the rubbing in of fake-tan lotion but still nothing. Eventually I said ‘I have white skin, I want darker skin’ and pointed at her skin. ‘You want your skin browner?’ She questioned as if Id just asked for 10 kg’s of crack. Bingo! But I knew I was asking in vain.  The fact is my must have item and the majority of girls in the UK’s must have item is not avaliable in Asia as they are obsessed with being fairer. Despite the endless warnings adverts featuring Priyanka Chopra and Katrina Kaif on the subject, when I first arrived in India I bought myself a ‘light moisturiser’ thinking it was a ‘light weight‘ moisturizer, perfect for the humidity I thought. I used it for a whole month so when I found out that this crème was actually lightening my skin I cried! I live in a hot country, it is my duty to my friends back at home to be tanned and this had put me back a whole month in the tanning process! You see in England the Sun doesn’t come out very often and when it does happen to peep out behind a big fat raincloud that’s it, the flip flops are on, the T shirts are off and the bbq is fired up, in India however everyones favorite time of year is the monsoon and I haven’t seen one other person sunbathing at our pool, it just doesn't seem fair. But don't worry fellow Britons, I appreciate the weather I have here in India and am working hard to achieve a natural tan for my forthcoming trip to the UK. I will make you proud!

Your Job Is Safe Banksy!

I know its for a good reason
but I'm glad I don't live next door!

To the untrained, not lived in India before eye this photo may look like a terribly graffitied apartment in style of a council estate in the UK, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The owner of this home actually drew red swatiskas all over the top quality marble that adorns the front of his house of his own accord. Now that I am more accustomed to Indian culture I know that my new neighbours are not Neo- Nazis and that the swastikas were placed as part of a traditional Hindu house blessing which is conducted by a priest before the owners move in. The ceremonies vary from place to place but apparently in some parts of the country the blessing comprises of chanting and the escorting of a cow through all of the rooms, although, I don’t think that happened here as a cow would never fit in the lift and if it did happen I’m gutted I missed it!!

A Wednesday Afternoon Game For You....

Who's feet are who's?????

The more you look, the more it freaks you out!

Woe Is Me!

Who am I gona pout and wear short skirts with??
I'll miss you babe x

No girl likes their ‘time of the month’ but having your ‘time of the month’ in India really takes the biscuit! First of all getting hold of tampons is as difficult as getting hold of magic beans and everything that kind of pissed you off last week really pisses you off this week; such as the leaking tile (yes tile) in the bathroom, the beggar near Good Earth in Colaba who insists on rubbing his arm stump up and down the window leaving greasy stump marks, the randy pigeons at the pool, (maybe I’m just jealous because they can enjoy the refreshing water and I can't because I can't get hold of any magic beans!), the slum parties that start at 10.00pm sharp just in time for bedtime, Ramesh’s peach shirt, the list is endless. But just to put the icing on the big fat cake (that I just ate because i'm bingeing) my best friend in India, Celine has just left to go back to Singapore!! Waahhhhhh, I need a cuddle.

I’m So Over This Crap (with a bit extra added since yesterday)

I have no photos of the party, so heres me drinking
champagne in Singapore

So it was the evening of our long awaited roof top, house warming party. The booze had been delivered, the music had been set up and the guests were starting to arrive. Within minus one second of pressing the play button security arrived saying we could not have a party (surprise, sur-bloody-prise) but we’re professionals at this game now, so 500 rupees and two bottles of Kingfisher later, problem averted and we started to party the night away. Feeling extremely smug that we had conquered this India malarkey Paul and I gave each other a secret high five, cranked up the base and started the shots (shots, shots, shots). It was the party of all parties; amazing view, great music and more alcohol than you could shake a stick at, things were going perfectly until 12.30pm….