I’m So Over This Crap (with a bit extra added since yesterday)

I have no photos of the party, so heres me drinking
champagne in Singapore

So it was the evening of our long awaited roof top, house warming party. The booze had been delivered, the music had been set up and the guests were starting to arrive. Within minus one second of pressing the play button security arrived saying we could not have a party (surprise, sur-bloody-prise) but we’re professionals at this game now, so 500 rupees and two bottles of Kingfisher later, problem averted and we started to party the night away. Feeling extremely smug that we had conquered this India malarkey Paul and I gave each other a secret high five, cranked up the base and started the shots (shots, shots, shots). It was the party of all parties; amazing view, great music and more alcohol than you could shake a stick at, things were going perfectly until 12.30pm….

Read Into This Advertisement What You Will #2

Her face says it all (luckily we can't see his pants!)

Because the original wasn't suggestive enough: Read Into This Advertisement What You Will #1 

And The Award For The Most Appropriately Named Road In India Goes To....

And just whilst we are on the subject, did you know if you ask for a Poppadom in India they do not have a scooby do what you are on about? Its true.

A Bit Morbid For A Thursday Afternoon, Granted

If you are not more careful you are going to be
a statistic!

Either Ramesh is conceited or there are a lot of deaths on the roads in India because every time I get into the car he is dying (no pun intended) to tell me about the latest car accident he’s seen and how many people died in it. Sometimes if I am lucky (or not lucky as the case may seem) he will drive me past the scene of the crime and tell me the whole story, including all the gory details, all over again!  To be honest it is really disturbing, but the way the locals dawdle when they are crossing the road I can’t say I’m surprised, its like they have a death wish! According to The Times Of India, there are approximately 13 road deaths per hour in India which I think is appalling so I am taking this moment to send a message to the people of Mumbai:

For Simon Purohit

I didn't take this photo, but could have if I had one of
those posh Nikon cameras, instead of a camera you
can drop as many times as you like and it doesnt break.

From the balcony of our new apartment, as well as one of the largest slums in India you can also see roads, taxis, the odd man pissing in the street, the sea and Flamingos!! You know, the pink birds that stand on one leg, that you have probably only ever seen in a Zoo? David Attenborough once told me (and the rest of the world as it was on Wildlife on One) that every year at around this time a flock of Flamingos stop at Sewri Bay Mud Planes, Mumbai whilst migrating South and those mud planes are clearly visible from Sophie’s new place (he didn’t really say the last bit, but it would have been brilliant if he had!!) It also turns out that this area is actually a bird watchers wet dream as it attracts a variety of migrating birds throughout the year. I don’t know about you but I’m off to buy myself some binoculars and a Barbour jacket!

Bang Bang!

As our building is brand new a few of the apartments still have work going on which can be quite annoying when you are trying to get to sleep. Last night the banging was so loud from up stairs that Paul went up to see what the commotion was (I know, risky strategy) the door was open so he walked in (again risky) and found five men busy nailing…things together (phew!). After spending 8 minutes explaining that it wasn’t appropriate for them to be putting a kitchen in at 1.00am in the morning, the man in charge replied ‘Sir after 12.00am you will have no banging from us’ ‘It is already 1.00am’ Paul replied ‘Sir, you will hear no banging from us after 12.00am tomorrow evening’ he replied.

Ah.

Lar De Dar

An Art Gallery or my living room???

Every February Mumbai plays host to the Kala-Ghoda Festival where various artists perform or display their works; it also attracts a lot of people selling art. On this particular weekend Paul and I were feeling extremely grown up so decided we would go art shopping because we thought it would be hilarious  for investment purposes. Armed with our berets and a pocket full of cash we took on the crowds and actually bought three original prints from a local artist and a painting from a guy who was from Bangalore. After having them put onto canvas they have just been delivered and I must admit they look top banana (that’s a technical term) and the best thing is, as we currently only have a few things in our apartment they actually make our living room look like an art gallery, so that’s fun. 

Read Into This Advertisement What You Will...

Guys! Stop looking at her lips!

Simple Q&A

Bronze

Question: Is it inappropriate to ask the Indian male pool attendant to put suntan lotion on your back?

Answer: Yes.

Question: Did I do it anyway?

Answer: Yes.

Well no one likes sunburn!

Forget Sheila Ki Jawani. There’s a New Sheila In Town!

I'm sure she's  a lovely person

Lets be childish for a sec… I don’t know about you but when I was at school (and to be fair, still now) I would find it hilarious when someones name sounded rude, so you can imagine the howls of laughter that exited my mouth when I noticed the article to the left about Sheila Dikshit, just to confirm- DIKSHIT, pronounced DICK-SHIT. He he he, so immature.

Out With The Old In With The New!

A little bit of heaven

So the rabbit hutch is gone and we now live in a four bathroom, three bedroom, massive living room with balcony, maids quarters, roof top pool and gym, and 360 degree views of slum (you can’t have everything) apartment in Sewri.

Sewri – which is pronounced nothing at all like it’s spelt - is situated in what I like to call ‘real India’, (you may wish to call it ‘a shit hole’ but that will be your own interpretation) but I actually already prefer living here more than Marine Drive and Colaba as its more, errrm, it has more, errrm character. Yes character! Sewri has so much character I think every time I step foot outside on my own home I’ll have a blog post to share… So bring it on!!

Getting the Internet installed in India is worse than having a root canal!

Actually I'm not ready to talk about this right now but what I will say is that I am now back on line and no body was murdered in the process (although there were moments!!!).

Happy Holi Bitches!!!

I wasn't in India for Holi this year so I thought I would recycle last years post... ENJOY! http://videsigirlinmumbai.blogspot.in/2011/03/hula-hoops-and-holi.html

Just a General Tip – Don’t Move House With a Hangover. It Sucks.

Our 'Apartment'

Moving house is never a straight- forward task where ever you are in the world so I held out little hope that in India it would be any different; so in preparation for the weekend’s operation I cleared my mind of any expectations, standards and desires and conditioned my mind to believe that the move would be a complete and utter disaster, and India you did not disappoint.

The good point first, for the equivalent of thirty pounds we hired a van and an army of men to do the manual labour, which freed us up to nurse our hangovers and randomly shout directions from the comfort of the sofa.  At one stage I tried to count how many people we had hired but I kept on losing track, a bit like when you were little and you used to try and count the number of tad poles you had in your jar once they had hatched, but its impossible because they are swimming around so fast. In the end I reckon there was about one thousand (helpers not tad poles).

Darrrrrling

Whatever I was trying to do Paul was obvs
not impressed with!

Newsflash Number 1: Mumbai has ‘Fashion Week!’

Newsflash Number 2: On Friday night we got to go to one of the opening shows!

After drinks in the VIP room we were seated on the second row (not quite Alexa Chung seats but much better than what Kerry Katona would have got) and enjoyed the James Ferreira show. We then went to Esko Bar where we all got terribly drunk and I can’t remember much else! How very fabulous of us! 

Indian TV Gold

Now I now where Paul got is inspiration from!

Whilst flicking through the television channels trying to find an appropriate Indian themed programme to take a photo of to accompany my previous post, I stumbled accross a film called ‘Sampurna Ramayan’. As the film features a monkey (who has eyebrows similar to my husbands) I'm guessing it was a remake of the Jungle Book or a film about the Indian Monkey God (probably the latter).
Let me share some images (and commentary) with you:

It's like you’re watching adverts with programme breaks

This was actually on TV!
 Check out my next post for details!

What I love about Indian television is what everybody else hates about it… the adverts! I relish the fact that you can hop in the shower, do your make up, go out for a three course meal or complete the London marathon in the same time it takes for a commercial break to finish. Granted you forget entirely the plot of what you are watching and a movie takes 3 hours to watch instead of the usual 1.5 but frankly I feel it’s a small price to pay.